Every summer a few weeks before I started a new year of school a few thoughts would come to my mind. These thoughts would encourage me to do well in school this year, encourage me to try harder, encourage me to get better grades and give me confidence that I would in fact actually accomplish these goals. But.
These things never happened. Every year I would put in minimum effort, I would procrastinate and finish projects sometimes minutes before a due date. I would be the exact opposite of what I had envisioned to do.
This pattern of thinking has been a recurring theme in my life. Vast moments of identity and self grandiose posturing followed by a lack of will and execution. So what happens?
Most likely it’s a combination of a bunch of different things that all lead to a type of aversion to effort. Even now as I write this a pain sits in my stomach begging me to stop and do something else, that’s more fun? more rewarding? Maybe if there was a score on the side of the screen that went up the more I typed I could trick myself into writing more. But struggle brings conflict which brings introspection which hopefully leads to some insight.
So fight or flight. An evolutionary product that has been fucking with me all my life.
Most likely it’s a combination of a bunch of different things that all lead to a type of aversion to effort. Even now as I write this a pain sits in my stomach begging me to stop and do something else, that’s more fun? more rewarding? Maybe if there was a score on the side of the screen that went up the more I typed I could trick myself into writing more. But struggle brings conflict which brings introspection which hopefully leads to some insight.
So fight or flight. An evolutionary product that has been fucking with me all my life.
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