Anticipation can be a good place to find my first feelings of anxiousness. The uncertainty of the unknown. It used to make me nervous, anxious and excited. My mind would conjure images of grand adventures and scenarios. I was almost always disappointed. But that’s to be expected when you try to match reality to imagination. I never knew why I couldn’t relinquish the habit of getting lost in the fantastical bizarre land inside my head. I regret not holding onto memories of the realness that surrounded me as a child. The touch and feel of the real world. Not to say I didn’t get dirty as a kid and enjoy the beauty of nature. But I took for granted the environment I had. Because there is so much beauty in the landscapes of nature but also so much boring dull and dead spaces that exist as well.
A balance for me is living in nature and allowing my mind to wonder. The breeze, the warmth of the sun and the ever changing sky are the perfect backdrops for me to find my zen. When I don’t have that my mind goes to an anti zen place. Does my anxiousness come from this? Not only the discomfort I feel but the anticipation of more discomfort to come.
My dream would be to live somewhere that is always warm. I would give a lot to have to never feel the ill touch of winter. It’s cold tendrils sapping away my very essence.This is no exaggeration. I am a much better version of myself in the summer; not that that’s saying much.
I take medication to help with my anxiousness now. They don’t always work so I sometimes have to take a stronger anti anxiety pill. It does make me feel better but the anxious feelings come back eventually. To be honest I don’t know what happens next.
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