I was probably most happy when I was a kid. Growing up a block away from the pacific ocean with no worries about food or money or time. Everyday I was free to do whatever it is I wanted to, besides school, but school never made me feel anxious or worried. In fact it was the days as a child when I couldn’t do as I pleased that upset me the most.
When you make your own decision you are responsible for the outcome. When someone else makes decisions for you the future is more unpredictable and more out of control. These times are not necessarily bad and can actually be positive but there was always the uncertainty and worried thoughts that accompanied me when I tried to imagine what to expect.
As an adult I feel like every moment of my day is out of my control. I can’t remember the last time I had a day as happy and carefree as I did when I was younger. When I actually am in control I can’t control myself. Every moment, second, thought, desire either passes through or ricochets and consumes my mind.
I feel like I just don’t know.
Leave a Reply