When I was younger I used to skateboard a lot. Unfortunately I was often to afraid to try doing the big impressive tricks down stairs or railings. I couldn’t bring myself to complete the trick if I were to ollie down more then 3 or 4 steps. So I concentrated on doing tricks on the ground that were fun and mostly safe. Flips, spins and balance were what I focused on the most. Now I don’t know why my fear of failing badly and hurting myself was so invasive when I would skateboard. Perhaps my prior falls and injuries or lack of confidence were to blame. I had friends who had injured themselves just as much but showed no fear.
So why did I choose a dangerous hobby? Well I would have moments of overcoming my fears to do and land tricks that made me feel accomplished for overcoming. That felt good but it didn’t really push me to go further. Was I satisfied with what I could accomplish? I don’t think so. I often would feel like I sucked at skateboarding. Especially after the winter months.
If I remember correctly I would spend more time trying to land a trick then actually landing it. This process is normal to learn most things but it can still be disconcerting, at least to me. Now that I’m older I realize that my time would have been better spent on music, art or programming. But no one was around to help guide me in these matters. Everyone kind of just let me do what I wanted. A great freedom as a kid. But not a lot of discipline to help me get through the tougher times. Instead of overcoming huge obstacles I avoided the big plays for comfortable ease.
How does the realization help me now? I guess it doesn’t too much. I’m still overly anxious about things. Maybe they will come out with a pill that will help me one day. But for now I’m content sucking the teat of my government.