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Never chase away the uncertainties of your failures. Explore them to find the reasons of your choices. Even when you think you got it you don’t.
AAW, Always ask why.
The minute is in the details.
Everything can be accomplished if you break it down. The rhythm of every situation is the same.

If there was a way to say I’m sorry and have it mean anything at all to you I would. But that’s never going to be.

 OK just take a fucking breath.

  Feeling like a slacker? like you missed your big shot? To old? To dumb? Till now you’ve gotten by somehow but there is an urge deep down inside that screams for something more for your pathetic life.

  When I was a rebellious teen I stirred with all the common emotions an angsty angry teen should have. Anger at my inability to cause meaningful change in a world full of injustice. Anger at the individuals that made up this mesh of passive acceptance to the status quo and there adherence and participation of it. Anger at those willing to create a more skewed version of our collective reality that they could in turn use to there advantage to create even more injustice. I knew I would be different in those moments. That I would find a way to be not just an opposing front but an active force to counteract and change this for the betterment of everyone. And if only I could have shared my convictions and feelings with others the same way I felt them I would maybe have accomplished something.

  But I didn’t do a damn thing. Fuck all besides those initial thoughts and emotions. I never became a journalist to expose the injustices. I never volunteered to help the homeless and needy. I actually actively sought the opposite of my convictions. I turned to wanting to sow chaos and destruction as a means of restitution. Ultimately my emotions failed to do anything for me but to help me realize how useless the whole process had been. Maybe if I was rich I could make changes, maybe if wasn’t suffering from mental illness I would have done something else. Maybe I never even noticed the trees and thought I was standing in a plain.

  My brain seems to have a capacity for which I can accomplish something. And it’s not that much. Like a upper limit road block that prevents me from making it past a few initial steps. I can no longer just get up and go.

  The underlining problems of society are to great because they are part of the framework. Any meaningful change in a better direction will result in a society that looks, behaves and feels differently to what it was before. But by just outright removing the underlining rot we risk a collapse into something else entirely.

Good grief

gold leaves

adorned on my crown

I can’t believe

no sympathy

for the masters clown

But with what ease

do we believe

our own sounds

I tried to please

but can’t leave

you in the ground

A monster with a soul

could be eased

into either roll

So slit and salt

pain and gain

refrained posterity

  When I was younger I would lay in my bed at night and think. I was content with my thoughts and beyond the scope of my immediate family and friends my preoccupations would end there. Today when I lay and think my mind wanders to the world. To the stranger in another place reading my words and making quick judgments of its merit. To give into itself and be of nothing.

  Content is meaningless it seems. A critic giving an arbitrary score only they understand. To much content to care about and creators selling souls for dollars. I would say I’m a hypocrite if even a single person cared. The monetization of creature comforts and dull entertainment to pass the boring hours. Maybe it’s the unhealthy of us in this experiment to lament and proceed unambitious through waking hours. My happiness peaking the moment I lay my head on my comfortable pillow wrapped in my unwashed blanket waiting for my thoughts to pitter patter into incoherence.

  Drugs help I suppose. But what healthy existence exists beyond.

 There is only desire when I expatiate on my future. An endless plethora of possibilities and experiences. The delusions of grandeur can placate a tired mind. To place in the center of yourself a God in control of itself.

 To be desired and desire are not the same. A rhetoric spewed in garbled sentences. I am the least to give advice. But better to keep silence then encourage the wicked. So I try to occupy my mind with rhymes and ADHD.

 Laugh out loud.

 I was probably most happy when I was a kid. Growing up a block away from the pacific ocean with no worries about food or money or time. Everyday I was free to do whatever it is I wanted to, besides school, but school never made me feel anxious or worried. In fact it was the days as a child when I couldn’t do as I pleased that upset me the most.

 My very first job when I as 16 was at A&W and with my first paycheck I bought a new skateboard. It was what I wanted so I got it. I had to open a bank account first and while the topic of savings came up with the teller neither she or I thought it was all that important for me at the time. But something that I would get to in the future.

 So far I still haven’t got to it. And its something else I should be worrying about and trying to correct but those thoughts make me feel uneasy so best to put them away. For now.

 My parents are almost the exact opposites when it comes to their savings. My father diligently prepares for retirement while my mother digs herself deeper into an uncertainty that envelops her future.

 My spending habits are pretty erratic. A lot of my income goes to eating out or ordering in, a bad habit when trying to save money. I could blame a lot of different factors as to why I suck at this part of my life but the truth is it’s just a skill I have to develop.

 But what’s the best way to do that? Sheer force of will and discipline? Make a budget? Buy a bunch of lottery tickets?

 Ill start with a budget.