Depthofmyyouth

  • How to be happy

     I was probably most happy when I was a kid. Growing up a block away from the pacific ocean with no worries about food or money or time. Everyday I was free to do whatever it is I wanted to, besides school, but school never made me feel anxious or worried. In fact it was the days as a child when I couldn’t do as I pleased that upset me the most.

     When you make your own decision you are responsible for the outcome. When someone else makes decisions for you the future is more unpredictable and more out of control. These times are not necessarily bad and can actually be positive but there was always the uncertainty and worried thoughts that accompanied me when I tried to imagine what to expect.
     As an adult I feel like every moment of my day is out of my control. I can’t remember the last time I had a day as happy and carefree as I did when I was younger. When I actually am in control I can’t control myself. Every moment, second, thought, desire either passes through or ricochets and consumes my mind. 
     I feel like I just don’t know. 

  • How to become rich

     My very first job when I as 16 was at A&W and with my first paycheck I bought a new skateboard. It was what I wanted so I got it. I had to open a bank account first and while the topic of savings came up with the teller neither she or I thought it was all that important for me at the time. But something that I would get to in the future.

     So far I still haven’t got to it. And its something else I should be worrying about and trying to correct but those thoughts make me feel uneasy so best to put them away. For now.


     My parents are almost the exact opposites when it comes to their savings. My father diligently prepares for retirement while my mother digs herself deeper into an uncertainty that envelops her future.

     My spending habits are pretty erratic. A lot of my income goes to eating out or ordering in, a bad habit when trying to save money. I could blame a lot of different factors as to why I suck at this part of my life but the truth is it’s just a skill I have to develop.

     But what’s the best way to do that? Sheer force of will and discipline? Make a budget? Buy a bunch of lottery tickets?

     Ill start with a budget.





  • Welcome world

     Every summer a few weeks before I started a new year of school a few thoughts would come to my mind. These thoughts would encourage me to do well in school this year, encourage me to try harder, encourage me to get better grades and give me confidence that I would in fact actually accomplish these goals. But.

     These things never happened. Every year I would put in minimum effort, I would procrastinate and finish projects sometimes minutes before a due date. I would be the exact opposite of what I had envisioned to do.

     This pattern of thinking has been a recurring theme in my life. Vast moments of identity and self grandiose posturing followed by a lack of will and execution. So what happens?

     Most likely it’s a combination of a bunch of different things that all lead to a type of aversion to effort. Even now as I write this a pain sits in my stomach begging me to stop and do something else, that’s more fun? more rewarding? Maybe if there was a score on the side of the screen that went up the more I typed I could trick myself into writing more. But struggle brings conflict which brings introspection which hopefully leads to some insight.

     So fight or flight. An evolutionary product that has been fucking with me all my life.